Unfinished Story

I just recently wrote this story but it is unfinished. I was wondering if somebody could give me any advice on where to go. I would like something different not original. I need a title to!

Please ignore the following:
Spelling & Grammar ( I know I am terrible)



At twenty three years old I graduated from the University of Southern California with a degree was in photography. After graduation I moved back to my hometown of San Diego, California.
With two older sisters, I grew up from a female dominated family. My mother who was a teacher at a local elementary school and my father who was a working business man never let us get away from anything. We were taught to say Yes Sir/No Sir to whom anybody we came across that was older than us. My eldest sister, Sarah was five years older and the middle child; Ana Marie was two and half years older than me.
I was the tom boy of the family. While my sisters would be inside doing their hair or fussing over another break up, I was playing outside or surfing. Throughout my whole life, I was always in the water. Whether it was swimming, boating, water skiing, parasailing, or surfing; nothing could keep me out of the water. Surfing was, by far, my favorite water sport. I took surfing lessons at the age of ten and took up the sport through high school. By my senior year I was team captain and had excelled in winning many awards.
After I graduated from college, I took a summer internship at a local photography shop hoping I could eventually get a job. I rented a small apartment about ten minutes walking distance from the beach and twenty minutes driving distance from work.
At the time I was not dating anybody. My love life proved to be almost non-existent. I only dated a few guys throughout high school and college but they lasted no more than a few weeks or months. Every man I dated never seemed to fit up to my standards. I wasn’t a selfish person, I just had higher expectations. But none of this frustrated or aggravated me. I knew that the right guy would come along one day.
It was a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky, the beaches packed, and the waves were big. The ocean was cold as usual, but I had become accustomed the water.
After an hour or two, I decided to catch the last wave. Before I knew it the dark blue water had hit my face with incredible force. I swam up to the surface and got on my board. Before I paddled in, I heard a guy snicker,
“Are you okay? That looked painful”
“Yeah, I’m alright. It probably looked worse than it felt”
The man laughed and questioned,
“Do you surf much?”
“Only since I was ten, but now I don’t get as much time to make it out here. What about you?”
“I grew up surfing as well, but life has given me little time to get out here. But whenever I’m in town I try to hit the waves”
The man seemed a little taller than me with brown or blond hair and bright blue eyes. His dark complexion made up for years of sun, and I knew he I was from around there.
After realizing I dazed off, I told the man that it was nice to meet him and started swimming in. I didn’t get very far before he yelled,
“Hey, I didn’t catch your name!”
I yelled, “Lauren”
He yelled, “Matt”
As I swam back into shore I couldn’t stop thinking why he looked so familiar.


Throughout the rest of the week I couldn’t stop thinking about him. There was something about him that looked so familiar. By the end of the week, I wanted to see him again.
About a month later my life was back to usual, except there was no sign of Matt. It was almost as if he disappeared. So I simply moved on with life and forgot all about him.
On my way back from work, my phone rings.
“Hey you”
“Hey, what are you doing tonight?” Laura asks
“I’m going surfing, but that’s about it. Why?”
“There is this guy I want you to meet.”
“And who is this guy?”
“He is very nice, has a decent job, and is good looking.”
In hesitation I respond, “You know I’m not in favor of blind dates”
“It won’t be he’s coming over tonight. Do you want to meet him?”
“I don’t know”
“Come on, please?” she insists
“Fine, what time?”
Before I knew it I was driving to Laura and her husband Eric’s house. I arrived and was greeted by the happy couple. They told me my mystery man would be arriving soon. Laura offered me a glass of wind and we talked about the week.
A little while later, mystery man arrived. He talked to Eric before coming to where Laura and I were standing. When he came closer, I recognized who it was. He obviously realized who I was and smiled.
“Is your name Lauren?”
I smiled before answering, “Are you Matt?”
Eric and Laura were speechless. They looked at each other, then us, and questioned in unison,
“You know each other?
“We me surfing about a month ago”
The rest of the night was filled with laughter and endless smiling. Matt and I caught up like old friends. We talked about surfing, hobbles, family. But what took me by surprise was what he did for a living. After he asked me what I do, he smiled and told me,
“I am in the band called Borderline. We are kind of alternative, rock, pop; we are classified many genres.”
Then it hit me, I finally knew why this guy looked so familiar. My best friend Alexis and I had gone to many of there concerts. In a almost embarrassed look, I laughed and said,
“You probably get this all the time, but you’re my best friend’s favorite band.”
He laughs and questions, “Oh really?”
We casually talk the rest of the night. At one point in the night, Laura pulled me aside and tells me that we look like we have known each other forever. I explained that this is the only the second time we’ve met. She giggles and whispers I think he really likes you. I whispered back, maybe I do to.
- This Next Chapter Should is later on in the story. I still haven’t decided what to write to fill in this gap. –


On a late night in February, my sister, Sarah called me. As soon I the answer the phone, she immediately starts talking.
“Hey guess what?
“What?” I questioned
“You are an aunt to a beautiful baby girl!!”
“What! I thought you were due next month”
“I went into labor late this afternoon and Brian rushed me to the hospital. Before we knew she was born.”
“Congratulations. What’s her name?”
“Her name is Alexandra Marie, after Ana. She was 5lbs. and 18 inches long.”
My eyes became glassy after I heard her name. Our sister, Ana Marie, died in a car accident with her boyfriend a couple years before. Even hearing her name had become difficult. But to hear that my sister named her daughter after her was breathtaking. I was proud to be her aunt.
Three weeks after the baby was born, Sarah was supposed to attend a conference for a week. Knowing that she would have the baby the following month, she made plans on attending. Her husband, Brian, was also supposed to be away for business that same week, this left no one to care for there new daughter. Sarah called me up and asked if I could take care of her for a week. Thankfully we had the week off due to a mishap in our schedule. I took the challenge and figured it would help whenever I do have kids.
After a couple days of having a newborn to take care of, I felt like I knew what I was doing. Besides sleeping issues, I was happy and excited to take care of her.
One night Matt calls, and causally asked what I was doing that evening. In hesitation I told him that I would love to do something but I was taking care of my newborn niece the whole week. He offered to come over and watch a movie together.
Within a hour I heard a knock at my door. Still feeding Alex, I opened the door. He grinned and smiled before kissing me.
“How are you feeling?”
“Tired, but that’s it. I kind of used to it know”
When she finished the bottle, I burped her, and then laid her down to sleep.
“Have you gone surfing yet?”
“No and I think I am having withdrawals. It’s the only downside to this”
He laughs and responds,
“Hey I could watch her tomorrow morning, if you want to go.”
“Would you really do that?”
“Yeah I’m up for the challenge.”
“Well thank you that would be great”
The rest of the night we spent talking and watching a movie. A few times here and there I would get up to cater to Alex’s needs but otherwise it was a quiet night. Alex had been a very good baby.
The day was closing in, when I fed her. Exhausted I laid her on my chest and fell asleep in Matt’s arms. Later Matt would tell me that most of the night he marveled how beautiful we looked together.
The following morning Matt, who was still at my place, took care of Alex while I went out surfing. After an hour I went back to my apartment. When I came back, I found Matt and Alex asleep on my bed. I laughed and joined them.

The night was gloomy, as the moon cast its shadows upon us. Winter was quickly turning into fall as the temperature changed. The air was still brisk and a slight breeze blew over us.
Before we knew it, the tour was over. I was sad to say by to everyone but I knew it was only a matter of time before we would be together again. Life at home changed.
We walked silently, hand in hand, around the park until Matt stopped at a small tree. It was about our height and underneath it laid a small plaque. I could feel my throat constrict as I was trying hold back the tears. The plaque read, Michael, gone but never forgotten.
We stood there, and I waited for him to speak. His hand tightened before he whispered,
“Michael was my older brother. He died in a car accident with his girlfriend a couple years ago”
When he spoke he looked into the horizon and his voice was soft. I could see his eyes had become glassy by the time he finished. Next to his brother’s tree, another tree was planted adjacent to it. It to had a small plaque laid upon it. The plaque read Ana Marie, gone but never forgotten.
After a long but comfortable pause I whispered,
“I knew your brother Michael”
We turned to face each other just as he asked, “How?”
I tried my best to hold back my tears before I whispered,
“Ana Marie, was my sister and Michael’s girlfriend”
I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and before I knew it I was crying into his chest. He quietly whispered I’m sorry over and over into my ear. When my crying subsided, he looked me into the eyes and said,
“My brother would have wanted me to do this”
As quickly as the words left his mouth, he was kissing me. The kiss was full of the most passion and desire. His cold hands slowly moved up my hips to my neck, sending shivers down my spine. I quietly whispered in his ear,
“My sister would have wanted me to do that”
Later that evening, we decided to go to the beach. We lie down on the beach and looked at the sky. I lay close to him to keep warm; he puts his hand around me.
We talk about whatever comes to mind and time seems to be nonexistent. He whispered in my ear if I wanted to go back to his place. I whispered yes in his ear. He smiled and kissed me beneath the stars.
When we arrived at his place, the clock was nearing twelve. He told me to help myself to anything and that he was going to get a sweatshirt.
His house was located on the beach where we met what seems like years before. Various pictures scatter throughout it, many of family, friends, and a few of the band. I came across a picture of my sister and his brother. I picked it up and walked out onto the deck.
My hands were shaking as I held it. It was the last picture we had of them and was taken a few days before the crash. Michael was kissing Ana Marie on the cheek and she was laughing. As I looked at the picture everything came back to me, the crash, the phone call, the sadness, the agony, and most of all, the pain. I looked out into the darkness and listened to the wave’s crash on the shore. I remembered how much Ana Marie loved the beach. She loved to bake all day in the sun while admiring the cute boys walking past her. I always asked her to come out and surf with me but as she did a few times, most of the time she stayed on the beach.
Just as I was reminiscing, Matt walked out and quietly muttered,
“Are you okay?”
He came up behind me and wrapped his hands around my waist. Without looking away, I lay my hands on his. He concentrated on the picture that I had in my hand and murmured,
“Do you miss her?”
“There are no words to describe how much I miss her. She was my best friend… my mentor…my sister...”
As I trailed off, he whispered, “My brother. My only brother…he was my best friend.” He sighed before adding, “Before he died, he asked me to be his best man in his wedding”
Surprised, I turned around to face him and muttered, “Michael was going to propose to her?”
He quietly whispered, “Yes”
The tears came back and I was crying again. In my tears I cried, “She never got to say yes”
Matt comforted me by saying, “They loved each other more than any two people I know. I know she would have said yes.
As he held me while I cried, he said, “I love you and I want to have something they never got.”
Confused, I lifted my head and muttered, “What?”
He slowly got down on one knee and through his tears whispered, “Lauren, I don’t want to lose you, I don’t imagine my life without you, I love you….will you marry me?”
By then I was crying profusely and I managed to respond, “Yes, of course I will marry you”
He smiled and slid the ring of my finger. My hands were shaking as I marveled at the beautiful diamond. I mumbled,
“It’s beautiful”
He grinned and responded, “I know, you are”
He kisses me over and over until he grabbed my hand and told me,
“This was the ring that Michael was supposed to give Ana Marie; they found it in this coat pocket at the scene.”
I was speechless. I kept looking at the ring in awe. My emotions had surpassed being overwhelmed.
Later that night we lie in bed together. My left hand was draped across his chest. I was still in amazement that all of this had happened. He kissed my forehead. I looked up to him like a child. He stroked my hair and whispered,
“There is no other person I want to be with right now”

"We Rise and Fall Together"

Another poem, this one I wrote the day before regional. This one is actually not written my "usual" way but I don't think you could have written this any other way. It is kind of short but I think gets to the point.


"We Rise and Fall Together"

our hands rest
on each other's shoulders
as we form a circle
hands are tense
fingers are numb
minds are racing
nothing in the world
can describe
what this feels like
indescribable
overwhelming
tomorrow is the day
that changes
everything we have worked for
everything we have strived for
it comes down
to this day
lives will change
everything will change
but
whatever happens
we are a team
we win together
we lost together
we are a family
and most of all
we love each other
and in the end
that is all
that matters

"Life is short, live it well, live for others... - we rise and fall together" Jon Foreman

Move

the guitar is
is her only friend tonight
it waits to be played
it waits to tell her story
Can You Hear It?
If you can, then MOVE

it sits on the table
like a broken record
she contemplates
whether she can be heard
she is scared
and afraid
but slowly she starts to play
Can You Hear It?
If you can, then MOVE

notes are played
like a soft beating drum
her life begins to unfold
like a open book
as each new note is played
Can You Hear It?
If you can, then MOVE

her voice sings quietly
like whispers in the wind
strings dance
like tiny ballerinas
as she hides her fears
Can You Hear It?
If you can, then MOVE

her voice rises
as she becomes more confident
notes are played
like shooting stars
bright and ambitious
Can You Hear It?
If you can, then MOVE


the walls vibrate
as she pours her life
into the guitar
her voice echoes
in the amp
but what when she yells
all you hear is sound
no music
Can You Hear It?
If you can, then MOVE

tears pour out
like heavy rain drops
as she realizes that nobody
can hear her cries
for help
rescue
for love
Can You Hear It?
If you can, then MOVE

she throws
the guitar at the wall
angered and frustrated
it breaks into pieces
her life breaks into
pieces
Can You Hear It?
If you can, then MOVE

she sits and waits
for someone to save her
but when she cries
all you hear is
sound
no music
just sound
Can You Hear It?
If you can, then MOVE

Red Jelly Beans

I have always known
that one day
someone will fall in love
with me
but he will be there
and whisper in my ear
I love you
more than a million red jelly beans

my soul bleeds
for him
like a ever pouring faucet
my limbs go numb
when I see him
they ache
when I hear him
and he will be there
and whisper in my ear
I love you
more than a million red jelly beans

when I talk
he listens
he comforts me
when I'm il
he kisses me
when I'm weak
my soul aches
when I'm not with him
and he will be there
and whisper in my ear
I love you
more than a million red jelly beans

when he touches
if feels
soft and smooth
when he kisses
his hands are at my hips
and his lips
are passionate like the sun
and he will be there
and whisper in my ear
I love you
more than a million red jelly beans

but this dream
is yet to come true
I love him
but
he doesn't love me
but he will be there
and whisper in my ear
I love you
more than a million red jelly beans

Dug up from the Emma Writes Folder

So...yeah I have this folder on my desktop called Emma Writes. And everything I write or have written goes in this folder. There's stuff from 2006 to a week ago...so it varies. Currently I have 3 stories, a bunch of poems, some journals, and a aim conversation. Well anyway today I was looking through it today and came across something. The best way to describe it is...the past 2 years. And yes it is a different side of Emma but for those of you who haven't read it...it will be a adventure.



This blog has no intention of making you feel bad for me or what happened to me. I needed to do this as a person; i need to share my story. People need to know that help is there for you. And this is why i write.

8/18/2007
I have recently come to a point in my life where I understand a lot more than I ever have. Everything is almost fitting like a puzzle that has never been solved. Each event and each action i made was for a reason. I now understand what it means to have every moment count. You never know what day can be your last. You never know when you will last see that person again.
You just never know.
If you know me as a person, can you or can you not see the change? I know I see it. I see the change.
It is no physical change but is a emotional one, one that has been dealt with inside me over the past year and a half or so. Some of you know exactly what i am saying, others do not. To fully understand you need to know what happened and every last bit of it. So here it is.....

On April 6th, 2006 something so big happened that it changed my life and others forever. I had no idea that this was coming.
On this day Gail Willims otherwise known as “Nannie” was diagnosed with cancer from a unknown primary. The doctors had no idea where this had come from and had no idea what the prognosis was. That day was one of the worst days of my life. Everything in my life came to an abrupt halt. Everything stopped in place……nothing moved.

The next days to come were only the ones that seemed the most confusing. Nothing seemed to be making sense. I couldn’t understand that this was actually happening. I just couldn’t comprehend the idea.

I try to remember these days and all that comes up is: Spring Break, spending time with my “Nannie”, having fun. Not realizing what was actually happening inside of her. It was almost as if I was in this dream that I never could get out of. I was in the fantasy land where all was good. Nothing bad was to ever happen.
But it was happening….

Throughout the rest of April and all of May she progressively got worse. She tried her best never to show me that she was hurting inside. She would hide her tears the best she knew how. I never knew that she was slowly dying right before my very eyes.

I tired to live a normal life throughout this. I went to school everyday, I attended church every weekend, I did what a normal 12 year old girl would do.

I have very few memories of this time, but there is one that is very prominent. One that sticks out the most.
It was on May 2nd, 2006 at an event called Slyngshot; one that my youth group held every first Tuesday of the month. This event gathered everyone who was in the grades of 6-8th to come out play some fun games, listen to great music, and get a great message. I had a great time at this Slyngshot in particular and had no worry or care about what was going on in another part of my life. After Slyngshot was over I felt the urge to talk to somebody. I felt the need to tell someone what I was facing and hoping maybe they could help me in dealing with this difficult situation. The first person that came to mind was our youth pastor, Ted. I went up to him explained what I was going through and he asked to pray with me. While he was praying, I felt something come over me. Something hit me. It felt like God was almost speaking directly to me. He seemed to be saying that it would be alright and that I will make it. From then on I felt a better understanding of what was happening.

But just as I was getting a better understanding of what was actually happening, my “Nannie” was getting worse and worse. It came to the point where she was put in a place called Hospice on June 21st, 2006 just three months after she had been diagnosed with cancer from a unknown primary. This place is designed for people who are in there last few months of life. To my understanding her lifespan was not very long. And it was up to her family to spend as much time with her as possible.

My “Nannie’s” sister and son came in town with there husbands and wives along with there children to visit her in her which made my house crowded as well as my thoughts.

I tried to keep my mind off her sickness as much as possible. I kept myself busy swimming during the week and going to church on the weekends. Between visiting my “Nannie” in Hospice and swimming, my summer was very much consumed.

Then on July 2nd, 2006 tragedy hit again for me on one Sunday morning. This is an excerpt from my journal of what exactly happened:

“Many times when I look back I see the day that I learned Ted was fired, I came in on the right side of the modular, normally where the girls hang out and where Ted would pray w/ us before we broke into small groups. Abby and Jessi were sitting on top of the couch on the back side of the room. Right away I realized Ted was not in the room (I thought he was in the next room); but otherwise everything seemed normal. Then I saw Abby’s face. She seemed sad and had a depressed look on her face. When I stepped on the couch and sat down; Abby leaned into mean and said “Did you hear what happened?” I replied no. The next 3 words she said would soon change my life forever. Abby whispered “Ted was fired.” I looked immediately at her in disbelief and asked her again what she said. Again she replied the same answer. No one knew about this except for Abby, Jessi, and now me. I started staring at the ground and about a million things were going through my mind. The first thing that came to mind was Why me? Why Ted? Why Eastside? Then Casey’s mom came in: I would soon find out she was the one who fired Ted. There were 22 students in the room plus Shaun, Brian, someone else, and Casey’s mom. She stood about in the middle of the room and said as some of you know we lost someone to the church community; last weekend as many of you know Ted Miller was fired. As soon as she said that the room fell deathly silent. No one said anything. In the complete daze I was in I don’t remember much after that. I felt many mixed emotions: sad, depressed, mad, and angered. I remember sitting on that couch and looking around the room and seeing everybody doing the same thing I was: stare in awe. Then I saw Shaun. I looked into his eyes and saw the sadness. And he too was staring at the ground. From that moment I knew that this was real and that my life would be forever changed. Just seeing him experience the same thing we were was powerful.”

I was completely devastated.
From then on I didn’t know what to think.
Should I be mad at God? Should I be sad?
I couldn’t understand why God was doing this to me. I felt very confused and mad. I felt angered and saddened. Nothing seemed to make sense.

Before I had time to pick up all the pieces I was to go on the Church’s Lake Trip that was coming up the following weekend. This weekend was supposed to be fun and was supposed to be a getaway for the weekend. But all that seemed to haunt my mind was why did Ted get fired and why is Nannie so sick? I could not seem to have an answer to any of these questions. They seemed to be just floating around in my mind.

The following weekend after the Lake Trip tragedy stuck once again. Our youth group learned that Shaun, one of our youth leaders was leaving as well. Everybody was crying and everybody was absolutely devastated.

In the weeks to come I tried to recollect myself and concentrate on swimming. I tried to keep myself busy and not try to think about what was going on else ware.

Then on July 10th, I was to visit my “Nannie”. This is an excerpt from my journal:
7/10
“We went to see Nannie tonight because she was going to Florida tomorrow. And tonight I finally broke down and cried. I realized that I might not see her tomorrow and that she is not going to make it up to Cincinnati for my birthday. This makes me very sad. This is the time that I need someone else outside of my family to talk to. This is the time I need Ted”
Little did I know that was the last time I would ever see her alive.

Then on July 18th, 2006 my “Nannie” died.
She was gone.
She was in heaven.
She was where she wanted to be.
And for me to except that would only be the beginning of a long road ahead.

My recovery from these tragedies was writing. It was my getaway and was were I could let out my emotions on paper. Here are some of the entries leading up through July 2007.

9/4/06
“My summer has sucked to say the least. I mean Ted and Shaun left. Nannie died. I just haven’t had the best summer. It is almost like I don’t want to live. The Summer of 2006 has been the worst of my life.
Tonight we had our first Slyngshot since May when Ted and Shaun were still there. It was okay. We did the first game on our first Slyngshot last year which was shooting water balloons off the roof of the church. We had Nathan who is the High School pastor, preach to us tonight. He was cool but not nearly as cool as Ted. I just wish it was May again when Ted and Shaun were there and Nannie was still alive. I was actually enjoying my life and having fun. And I still wish I was if I had all of this back.
Ted & Shaun will be missed and loved by everyone who knew them”

9/27/06
“The more I think about Ted and Shaun leaving the more I miss them. Ashley and I were talking the other day. We were basically saying that we don’t want another youth pastor and we want them back. This is all we want because it has taken us a lot of time to get here and be satisfied with the fact that they are not coming back. It has been so much harder than I thought to get through it. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about them. I almost think forgetting them will make it better but it just doesn’t go away. They were the best people I have known.”

1/7/07
“Sometimes I think life is unusual. It gives you unexpected twists and turns. Your life could end at any given moment. I mean Nannie died, Ted and Shaun left. They left in a matter of days, weeks. Last year at this time Nannie was alive and well. Now only a year later she is not here. That shocks me as it is. Not a lot of times do people realize that in a matter of seconds you life could change dramatically.
I think I have had my fair share of bad luck and I think I don’t need any more. This experience has changed my as a person and a human.”


1/13…….life is a confusing mess
“My life seems very confusing right now. I don’t know what to do. It seems like every time I go 2 Slyngshot God tries to throw this curve ball at me meaning that he tries to show me something I don’t want 2 face. This months’ Slyngshot was sometimes God doesn’t answer you for a reason + you still have not found it yet. That’s surely true in my case. I know that Ted + Shaun probably will not come back but I still can’t believe it yet. It just seems so confusing. This is a time in my life that I am just truly lost 4 words + I am just taking things as they come trying to dodge the bad (if I even know what that is anymore.) I mean I seem probably so happy on the outside but on the inside I’m being torn like a piece of paper. We don’t have a youth pastor. My life used to be so good + so joyous. Now I am always thinking oh be careful you might see this person anymore. I feel scared like I can’t just live life how it should be lived.”

2/17………….life has changed for the good? For the worst?
“My life has drastically changed. I feel like I am stuck in this giant mud pit + I can’t get out no matter how hard I try.
2-nite at church, Jonathan had this amazing + inspiring message. We are in this series called the Three Hardest Words in the English language. Those 3 words are: I Love You. He was saying that in the bible you are supposed to love everybody as your neighbor. Meaning love everybody not matter what. He also talked about loneliness + how someone in this very room could have this feeling.
I feel like I can’t trust god anymore. I feel like he hurt me + scarred me so much that I can’t heal + just enjoy life + love god. I mean I have great friends + great people surrounding me but I feel like something is missing. Not fitting the puzzle. I really don’t want 2 talk 2 my parents ‘cause they will just say everything is alright when it is really not. I can’t write or explain to one single person this feeling inside of me. I love god w/ all of my heart but I feel like what Jonathan says a person who comes on Sunday + forgets about it the rest of the week. Going just to say that I did and just to prove to god that they went to church. But I don’t want that I want it 2 last, the whole week but it doesn’t. It just stops from my mind; goes away sometimes as if it was never there. Yes, of course I want help w/ this problem but half of my problem is about Nannie + the other help is about the ones I lost. So it feels awkward if I talk to them. (Counselor) My mom said originally after Nannie died that I could to talk to a grief counselor. But for 1: I don’t feel comfortable talking to somebody I hardly know. 2: I did not think it would effect me this much 2 the extent of this. My solution 2 this is to talk to somebody I know better. I was thinking Jonathan because he knew Nannie personally + plus he kind of worked w/ Ted…..eventually probably knew Shaun. I feel like I can open up to him + share these entries w/ him. Showing him my feelings + opening up my world to him. If I could just do that maybe some of this stress could be lifted off of my shoulders.
The one final thing that makes this important to me is that I look at life from a different perspective. And I want to share w/ somebody that. And more importantly I want to open up this way of life I am living + get help w/ it. I need help.”

2/20/07
“I feel like I am trying to find my place in this world. I am lost for words. Sometimes I think someone is walking in my shoes and I am just watching as my life flies.”

2/27…….I am just hurting
“They say that until something truly tragic happens you don’t know how it feels. I know I agree w/ that more than ever. Death changes you inside + out. It changes the way you think + act. I view life so differently now than I did a year ago. I used to always think the big picture + not concentrate on the smaller more important things in life. Now I just take one day at a time + let time go by slowly. (Not watch it before my eyes) I don’t know any easier way to explain the hurting + scarring you face. It is so indescribable. It’s not like I can turn back time + wish for things better. Just gotta take it as it comes……wish for the best. I don’t think about what’s happening in 2 months or 2 years. I focus on this month, this day, this hour, this minute. It’s not easy. The hurting + the scars left have not gone away. They just hang around like lonely ghosts looking for somebody to hurt. I just want these wounds to heal + this scarring to go away. I hurt to bad to bear. I don’t want to live w/ this pain anymore. I just can’t stop thinking of them. They haunt me everyday + I can’t not think of them. That’s just the way I live now……..hurt + scarred.”

2/28………..Long Process (Long Trip Alone)
“It’s hard to believe that is has been 8 months since my life turned upside down. 8 long dragging + grueling months. This seeming never ending process of just trying to heal these deep wounds. It just doesn’t leave my mind. It occupies my everyday life. It is not just like I can forget about it. They were the 3 most important people in my life. That mean month of July has so deeply scared me + is still to this day hurting me. I don’t feel the same; I feel so different.
I always remember trying to keep a diary. I never could do it. I did not have enough patience to sit down + just write about life. Now I feel like I have more than enough to write about.
Now that I look back on the past few years. I realize that my “bad luck” + my faith was going to be tested. In 5th grade one of best friends Ashley Evers moved away about half way through the year. That just devastated me. I thought I would never ever be able to trust anybody again. Then I met Margaret and then Katie and now they are two of my best friends. Then just last July life paused, stopped, ended for that split second. This is not just your best friend moving away this is death + the loss of someone dear to me. It’s just not easy anymore.
I never thought ever that Nannie would get sick let alone die w/in 4 months. She was always walking and active. And always laughing and loving. She was always very healthy. Then April 6, 2006 came the news I very much never thought I would ever hear and much dreaded. I always thought Oh it will go away. Not even thinking it would result in this. I think some of these deep wounds are caused by the unknowing of what was going to happen. I always felt not scared but worried because I would look at her + say she will be fine. But the as I looked into her eyes I could see the pain + suffering she was enduring which made the fear of death for her more vivid than ever. Not now I thought when she died. She was too young; I was too young to be going through this. It left these unstitched wounds + scars unable to repair.
Last Sunday really made me think about this. Jonathan talked about how people are scarred + wounded + how you can be healed. Sometimes I just look at him as if he was reading my mind. I think how did you just pull that thought out of my head.
I feel like maybe I can be stitched up but just slowly + carefully to not make any careless mistakes along the way on this long road of healing.”

3/9/07
“Poem in memory of Ted & Shaun:
July 2nd, 2006
It is etched, scarred, permanent
In our lonely minds
The hardest words said to us
Were the ones that hurt the most

22 clueless students filled that small room
Not knowing that this would
Change there life forever

When the words were said
Everybody sat silent and stared
At the ground in disbelief
When I looked up from my gaze
I saw 21 other faces staring
At the ground
It seemed as if somebody
Pinched us we would wake up
From the bad dream
This horrible nightmare
That we feared

As my almost tear-filled eyes
Wondered around the room
I met Shaun’s stare,
He was sitting
On the end of a coffee table
When I looked into his eyes
I saw sadness
From that moment on
I knew this wasn’t a dream
This was a living disaster

From that day forward
I knew none of our lives would be the same
To this day we are still staring
In disbelief
Just as we did on a horrible
July morning
Almost 1 year ago”

3/14/07
“Loneliness I think is just a figure of speech. It gives you the feeling of empty and abandon almost. I think sometimes if I’m doing the right thing, I wonder is this what God wants me to do? If so why does it have to so lonely? Why does life do this to you? Life shouldn’t be like this. Maybe God is trying to tell me something I’m ignoring. But what is it? Just what is it?”

3/26/07
“This past weekend at Church we talked about ignoring the hurt. Jamie who talked to us at Slyngshot in October was there talking again except now to the whole church. He talked about depression and hurting. I felt like between him and Jonathan they spoke directly to me.
My mind is an overflowing mess right now. I mean this feeling I can’t describe lumes around me and is not going away. It’s not just sadness because of past events. It’s everything. I sometimes just think that one of these days that the people I trust the most won’t be there. It feels like God hasn’t been there for me. He’s missing out. And I feel he hasn’t been there when I needed him the most. I feel like I have no where to go.
I am lost.
I am tired.
I am stuck.
I am stressed.
I am lonely.”

4/2
“In July when Nannie died and Ted and Shaun left it didn’t exactly hit me until months later. I felt like I was living and breathing. But there was this really weird feeling that wouldn’t go away. I never cried until later. It just never sank in until later that they were gone. It felt like that I was in this ‘bad dream’ and that I wouldn’t ‘wake-up’. Every holiday from then on out including my birthday felt like something was missing. And I knew what I was.”

Now after almost a year later I now realize why everything happened. I now know that everything as a reason. Nothing goes unseen by God. With all that I have been through I now live with my hand on my heart thanking each and everyday that I am here alive.

Bleeding Stars

the sky glows
shining blue, orange, then pink
with each shad
it softens
like a box of crayons
until it is completely
black

the stars shimmer
against the moonlight
each one telling a story
of hope
hurt
love

the soul bleeds
into the star
like a dripping facet
drip…drip…drip
until it
glistens

the star shines
bright against the sky
it shadows filled with
hope and pride
telling the world
I
Am
Not
Afraid

the star hides
ashamed
of its shadows
filled with
loneliness
exposing raw emotions
like crying children
telling the world
I
Am
Afraid

the sky glows
with white snow
representing images
filled with anxiety
today is a new day
and there are choices
to be made

How bright is you star today?

I wish you were here

today is June 18th, 2008.
2 years.
it has been 2 years.

i can't find the words
to say what it feels like
to be abandon
to be hurt
to be in pain

all i have is a pen and paper
and my thoughts pour out

I wish today didn't have to hurt the way it does.
I wish I could of changed what happened.
I wish I could of said goodbye.
to say I love you.
one last time.

2005 was the best year of my life.
2006 was the worst.

why did such a great year be followed by such a bad one?


From Where You Are by: Lifehouse

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us world's apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you

So far away from where you are
I'm standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me

Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me

Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us world's apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

Pain

March 9th, 2007

“Pain…give yourself a name, call yourself contrition
avarice of blame”

Pain

July 1st, 2006
it is etched, scarred, and permanent
in our lonely minds
the hardest words said to us
were the ones the hurt the most

22 clueless students filled the small room
not knowing that this day
would change there life forever

when the words were said
everybody fell silent and
stared
at the ground in disbelief

when I looked up from my gaze
i saw 21 other faces
staring at the ground

it seemed as if somebody
would have pinched us
we would wake up
from this bad dream
horrible nightmare
that we feared

as my almost tear filled eyes
wondered around the room
I met Shaun’s stare
he was sitting on the end of a coffee table
and when I looked into his eyes
I saw sadness
for the first time

from that moment on
I knew this wasn’t a dream
this was a living nightmare
there wasn’t anything anybody could do
to change that

every day that followed
I knew none of our lives
would ever be the same

and to this day
we all are sitting in that same room
staring in disbelief
just as we did
on that horrible july morning

It's A Long Trip Alone

Another Old Jouranl

2/28………..Long Process (Long Trip Alone)
It’s hard to believe that is has been 8 months since my life turned upside down. 8 long dragging + grueling months. This seeming never ending process of just trying to heal these deep wounds. It just doesn’t leave my mind. It occupies my everyday life. It is not just like I can forget about it. They were the 3 most important people in my life. That mean month of July has so deeply scared me + is still to this day hurting me. I don’t feel the same; I feel so different.
I always remember trying to keep a diary. I never could do it. I did not have enough patience to sit down + just write about life. Now I feel like I have more than enough to write about.
Now that I look back on the past few years. I realize that my “bad luck” + my faith was going to be tested. In 5th grade one of best friends Ashley Evers moved away about half way through the year. That just devastated me. I thought I would never ever be able to trust anybody again. Then just last July life paused, stopped, ended for that split second. This is not just your best friend moving away this is death + the loss of someone dear to me. It’s just not easy anymore.
I never thought ever that Nannie would get sick let alone die w/in 4 months. She was always walking and active. And always laughing and loving. She was always very healthy. Then April 6, 2006 came the news I very much never thought I would ever hear and much dreaded. I always thought Oh it will go away. Not even thinking it would result in this. I think some of these deep wounds are caused by the unknowing of what was going to happen. I always felt not scared but worried because I would look at her + say she will be fine. But the as I looked into her eyes I could see the pain + suffering she was enduring which made the fear of death for her more vivid than ever. Not now I thought when she died. She was too young; I was too young to be going through this. It left these unstitched wounds + scars unable to repair.
Last Sunday really made me think about this. Jonathan talked about how people are scarred + wounded + how you can be healed. Sometimes I just look at him as if he was reading my mind. I think how did you just pull that thought out of my head.
I feel like maybe I can be stitched up but just slowly + carefully to not make any careless mistakes along the way on this long road of healing.

Old Journal

2/27…….I am just hurting
They say that until something truly tragic happens you don’t know how it feels. I know I agree w/ that more than ever. Death changes you inside + out. It changes the way you think + act. I view life so differently now than I did a year ago. I used to always think the big picture + not concentrate on the smaller more important things in life. Now I just take one day at a time + let time go by slowly. (Not watch it before my eyes) I don’t know any easier way to explain the hurting + scarring you face. It is so indescribable. It’s not like I can turn back time + wish for things better. Just gotta take it as it comes……wish for the best. I don’t think about what’s happening in 2 months or 2 years. I focus on this month, this day, this hour, this minute. It’s not easy. The hurting + the scars left have not gone away. They just hang around like lonely ghosts looking for somebody to hurt. I just want these wounds to heal + this scarring to go away. I hurt to bad to bear. I don’t want to live w/ this pain anymore. I just can’t stop thinking of them. They haunt me everyday + I can’t not think of them. That’s just the way I live now……..hurt + scarred.

October Night

I started this story two years ago and never got around to finshing it until recently...so here it is.

October Night

I am Christopher Carlisle and I am 30 years old. When I was only 25, old my life seemed to take a turn for the worst. I did not believe what was going on around me and nor did I want to. But reality hits you like a brick wall when you least expect it.
And looking back I know I can’t change what happened but you still feel like you have the power to. The signs were only the beginning of a long road to face. And the one day that changed my life forever is where it all begins; just one October night.
~The Day that Changed Everything~
Driving down the highway, Aly and I were on our way to Brian and Laura’s house. We were celebrating Aly’s 23rd birthday which was two days earlier. I was driving and she was in the passenger’s seat; our hands met together resting on the gear shift. There was a storm in the horizon and the rain was becoming heavier by the minute; and we were now about fifteen minutes from their house.
I rounded the corner on the exit ramp and a semi truck coming from the opposite direction did not see me in time to swerve over completely. Before I knew it he slammed into my car at 55 mph. The impact of the crash knocked us both out.
When I woke about minutes later I could hear sirens coming and knew that they were approaching us. I looked over myself to find a severely bruised and gashed wrist as well as tons of glass and debris throughout my upper body. I glanced over at Aly who looked worse than me, still passed out with her head tilted to the side. I gently squeezed her hand which was amazingly still laying in mine. Despite the pain I was in and the lack of response I got from her I squeezed her hand again. And as I did that I could see her pain filled eyes slowly open. She gradually met mine and we stared at each other waiting for the other to say something. As the sirens neared and broke our stare, the last thing I remember saying was I love you to Aly and then everything went black.
I woke up in the ambulance to find an IV in my arm and a paramedic hovering over me. When he met my stare he simply asked:
”Do you feel any pain?”
I looked over myself finding patches on my chest for heart monitoring as well as gashes from glass and I saw my broken wrist laying lifeless on the gurney. I answered the paramedic:
“My wrist aches and besides a few gashes in my arm, I don’t feel any pain.”
The surprised expression from the paramedic left me thinking that I must look worse that I feel. Then Aly came to my mind. I asked the paramedic:
“Is the girl that was sitting next to me in the car alive?”
The paramedic instantly got a worried look, but I am guessing he saw the persistence in my eyes and replied:
“She was found unconscious at the scene and is in the ambulance behind us.”
As he trailed off I asked again:
“I just want to know if she is alive.”
He once again gave me a concerned look and muttered:
“I am not sure”
And with that I saw black once again.
~”It’s a Long Trip Alone”~
As soon as I arrived at the hospital I was sent immediately into surgery for the broken and shattered bones in my wrist and forearm. They also removed the numerous pieces of glass in my arms as well as my face and chest. When I awoke from surgery two days later I saw Brian staring out the window. I looked down to find my arm wrapped so thick with gauze that it looked three times the size. I broke Brian’s stare and whispered his name. He whirled around with a sense of relief and quietly muttered:
“I see you are awake”
“Thank you…so much for being here.” I whispered.
“You’re welcome”
“I really do mean it. Thank you for being there for me during those times and especially now.”
“Isn’t that what I am supposed to do?” Brian questioned me.
“Yeah I know but ever since my mom and dad were killed I thought that if something like this ever happened nobody would be here.”
“Well I am here for you and to help you get better. Laura will be there for you to.”
With that Laura came into the room and interrupted our conversation. Her tear filled eyes followed and met mine as she quietly said hello. I knew without anybody saying anything that if Aly were alive she was more likely in the worse state possible. We all sat in silence deep in our thoughts, until I slowly asked:
“Is Aly alive?”
Laura at once found Brian’s eyes and started crying. As Brian went over to comfort her he softly said:
“She is in surgery right now and the doctors are not sure if she will survive. As you can tell, Laura has been taking it hard as well as their Dad.”
Unsurprised by the news, I was unsure if I would ever see Aly again. And what haunted me even more is that she would have lived only twenty three years and too me that is not long enough.
~”Your on fire when you’re near her”~

One week later I was released from the hospital with a brace still on my wrist. Aly had fallen into a coma almost immediately out of surgery. Since I had been released she was still heavily sedated.
I visited Aly everyday, twice a day depending on who was with her. Seeing her each and everyday consisted of sitting at her bedside and talking to her. Telling her about her sister, her brother-in-law, her friends, and most importantly how much I loved her. The doctors had told us that she could still hear us, even though she was still in a coma.
Everyday seemed a never ending cycle of going to hospital and seeing the same thing each day. Throughout this period I felt very depressed at some times and others I was just waiting for her to wake up. One day I would visit her, be sad, and mourn over the fact that I can’t do anything to help her get better. And then the other day I would be anxious to see her smile again.
There was just this overwhelming feeling that would sometimes swallow me whole up when I walked into her room. I knew in my mind that this was out of my control but I couldn’t stop thinking of the fact I couldn’t do anything for her. I felt as if something was missing when I left the hospital and I knew it was her. I mean not knowing that your best friend will be there with you tomorrow is hard, because anymore you never know what is going to happen. My day consisted of worrying and wondering if she was going to ever wake up from this long sleep until two weeks later.
I walked into her room as usual and put my stuff down on the table. More restless that usual I sat down and evaluated Aly for any change. As I quickly answered my own question I started talking to her. For some reason I couldn’t think of what to say; I got up and started pacing throughout the room. I tried to say something but talking to her felt like a brick wall. It shows no emotion and doesn’t respond to you as if you weren’t there. I looked out the window just to see Brian pull into the hospital parking lot. I turned to face Aly to see her fingers gently twitch on the sheet. Stunned I approached her bedside and grabbed her hand. I whispered her name and her eyes slowly opened. I watched in shock as her eyes drifted across the room and then finally met mine. She gradually whispered:
“Chris, I love you”
As she said that Brian walked into the room and had the same expression as I still had. I softly kissed her on the forehead and mumbled in my tears:
“I love you too.”
Brian who was shocked walked up to Aly and then turned to face me. He was speechless. Shortly after she woke up the doctor came into the room to see Aly awake and was astonished too. He evaluated her carefully and said that it was really good that she awake but she still had a long way to go even if she survived the first night. And with the words the doctor left me I was just overwhelmed to know that maybe Aly would be okay again.
~She is Still Running~
Aly stayed in the hospital for the next four months. The four months that would become the most stressful. After the first week Aly was awake the doctors wanted to make sure that all of her injuries were healing correctly. From her punctured lung to the many cuts and gashes throughout her body; she was in more pain than I was, which was not surprising just looking at her. You could tell when you walked into her room that she was in a tremendous amount of pain. Even though the doctors had given her pain medications, some weren’t strong enough. It hurt me to see her in that much pain because I knew just as well as she did that it might not go away.
The doctors had been saying that when she awoke that she might not be able to remember who anybody is or she might not know how to walk and so on. And for her to say “Chris, I love you” when she first woke up after being in a coma for two weeks is just amazing.
In the days after she woke up, she could only remember me. Which I thought was surprising considering I was only her boyfriend. But everything and everybody else to her was a blur. She could distinguish objects, people, and tell you the full description of anything but couldn’t tell you who or what they were or what its use was for. The doctors had told us that the accident affected the side of the brain that controlled movement and speech.
About three months later in Aly’s stay in the hospital, she was able to walk and even run. But her speech was still very far away from being normal. Her injuries had healed for the most part and she was gaining mobility of her left wrist which was sprained. Everyday was stressful to her. She was still willing to get better, but time wasn’t going fast enough.
Four months later Aly was released from the hospital and allowed home. And her home was soon to become ours, sooner than I imagined. And with that she moved in with me.
A few weeks later we were sitting on the couch watching TV. I was lying down and her head was gently placed on my chest. During a commercial she got up to get something to eat. About fifteen minutes later I realized that she was still in the kitchen and that was odd for her to be in there for that long at 9:00 at night. I got up and rounded the corner to find Aly sitting on a stool, crying over the counter. As I neared her more I saw the accident pictures that the investigators sent us spread across the counter. Then realizing that she was crying over the pictures I froze. I didn’t know what to do especially because I hadn’t even seen the pictures. Then Aly broke my stare and put her arms around me. In a whisper she asked me:
“Did we survive this?”
I quietly whispered yes and before I could go on she put her head into my shoulder and started crying even harder. I quietly whispered I love you in her ear as I held her in my arms. After her crying subsided she whispered I love you too. And as I stood there with her by me I could only hope that things were going to get better.
~”Love can be a verb”~
It has been exactly one year since the accident and one long year of recovery. This time around Brian and I got what we were finally waiting for….touring as the opening act for Coldplay. The best part was that Aly would speak at every one of the concerts to share her inspiring story. Laura came to be with her husband as well as her sister during the some 150 stops we were doing.
Tonight was different in terms of performing. Not only were we playing in front of 4,000 people in our hometown of Austin but it marked the one year since the accident. (Ironic I think.) Aly was taking the day, as I assumed, well however you could tell she was sad and more nervous than usual. I still have flashbacks to this day and especially tonight. And sometimes the thought runs through my mind whether or not the accident was my fault. I never said anything during rehearsal or before the show about the fact that it was October 5th; I knew it was on everybody’s mind. Playing tonight felt the same, in spite of the fact that it took roughly two months to learn how to use my wrist again.When Brian and I finished we introduced Aly and exited the stage. As she started speaking something didn’t seem right and I knew right away what was wrong. She kept going strong for about 7 or 8 minutes then started crying. Now I had seen Aly cry many times before but tonight was really hard. She had never cried since the start of the tour or really ever in public so tonight was odd but still I knew exactly what was wrong. Brian nudged me to go onstage and reluctantly I did. At the time I was kind of scared because I really did not know what to do to calm a very saddened Aly in front of 4,000 people. But I guess everything fell into place. I approached Aly in the middle of the stage where she was now sobbing. I asked her:
“Can you finish?”
Between the tears she told me:
“I can’t do this Chris, it’s too hard”
And as she turned to leave the stage I grabbed her arm and asked:
“I have something that might change how you feel.”
As quickly as she turned around to meet me I was on one knee. After the complete shock I got from Aly’s face and the cheering from the crowd I asked her:
“I love you and my life would never be the same without you……Will you marry me?”
Aly started crying even more until she caught her breath and mumbled yes. I slid the ring on her finger and stood up to hug her. I kissed her and leaned away from her to realize that the crowd was going crazy. They were screaming, whistling, and shouting. I took a glance off stage to see Laura crying into Brian’s shoulder and the rest of our band joining in the crowd as screaming and shouting. I turned back to Aly who was surveying the crowd and by her expression I could tell that she was speechless. I nudged her to go on speaking but she whispered in my ear that she wanted me to help her continue speaking. And as we finished up and left the stage the crowd was still going wild.
Offstage Laura came up to Aly and hugged her. Brian along with the rest of the band congratulated me and then proceeded with many questions. After all was said and done I pulled Aly off to the side. Before I could say anything she was thanking me in her tears and repeatedly saying that she loved me. I did my best to comfort her and calm her down. When she was done crying and in my arms I quietly spoke the words that hurt to say. I told her, two years ago on this very night I had planned to propose to her at Brian & Laura’s. As the tears started to flow from my own eyes I continued:
“Aly only a year ago we were in a car crash and I thought I would never see you again. But now you are here and you’re better.”
And with that I trailed off just as Aly whispered:
“I am here now and that I will never leave you; no matter what happens to us.”
I hugged her even tighter and we kissed longer, I now knew that I was going to marry Aly after waiting the longest year in my life.
~A First Time~
One Tuesday night, Aly and I were having dinner. It had been six months since the night she said yes, and we were finally home. When she said,
“Remember when we first kissed.”
I grinned at her and answered.
“What brings this up?”
“I don’t know, just reminiscing.” She responded.
And I knew exactly what she was talking about, that rainy night that seemed so long ago. We were on our way back from some party, and it was late. There was a storm brewing and we knew it was going to be here soon. Then I stopped the car and told Aly that I wanted to show her something. I lead her down this path, all the while; she is asking where are we going? And I kept answering her you’ll see. Then the rain came down and it started pouring. I finally stopped at this creek, and you could hear the most beautiful sound in the world, the water. Since it was raining, you could hear the swift sound of the rushing water down the displaced rocks and stones. She looked at me and said:
“This is beautiful.”
I answered “I know…..you are”
She looked at me and grinned. I then pulled her close to me and we kissed for the very first time. It was one of the most passionate kisses I have ever felt.
~One Morning…~
The wedding was incredible; all of our friends and family were there to celebrate with us. The one thing I will never forget is the way Aly looked when she walked down the isle; she was the most beautiful women I have ever seen. And I was overjoyed by the fact that she is indeed mine and will always be.
About a year and a half after we got married, we always wrestled with the question about kids. We were not sure if we were going to have them or if we should wait. But we decided to have kids and a couple of months later we got pregnant.
A Saturday morning, we were both sleeping in, knowing that we both didn’t have to go into work that day. Aly was still sleeping and it was late into the morning, when I woke up. I rolled over to look at my pregnant wife who was sleeping soundly. I placed my hand on her stomach to see if I could feel the baby. Her eyes softly flickered and she opened them. I whispered,
“I’m sorry.”
She whispered, “That’s okay I was already awake.”
I whispered “I love you” and moved closer to her.
She whispered “I love you to.”
Recently Aly had been sick and was summoned to bed rest for the past week. I had been doing my best at taking care of her the only way I knew how. And that was to love her.
As I wrapped my arms around her stomach, my hands barely touched each other. As we lay there, the baby kicked right where my hand was. I squealed,
“I felt that…she just kicked.”
Aly smiled and said “I felt it too.”
Her face then immediately changed when she said, “I have to go the doctor today.”
I answered, “I know, I will be there for you.”
After a long pause she whispered, “I’m scared.”
I kissed her on the forehead and mumbled, “So am I”
~Let Your Love Be Strong~
On our way to the doctor’s office, Aly was quiet as she had been all morning. She clenched my hand as a lifeline as we drove the longest twenty minutes in our lives.
As the nurse called her back I could feel my heart race even faster and faster as we made our way to her room. Aly sat on the examination table and I sat in the chair next to her. I grabbed her hand just to feel the fast beating movement of her heart against mine. The nurse came in the room to take her temperature and check her vital signs; everything was normal. The time period between the nurse leaving and doctor coming in seemed like forever. And as a slight sense of relief came with doctor coming in; I expected the worse and did I get it. The doctor told us:
“Well, right off the bat I just want to say that Allison has Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia or ALL. This is found more often in kids but there is a slight chance that it will happen in adults. We are not sure where the leukemia originated; it is still unknown. At this point in time we are not sure if your baby will be okay and it might have to be delivered prematurely….”
He went on to tell us how they were planning to treat it and so on and so forth. I could feel Aly’s hand get immediately limp in mine as the doctor told us. On the car ride home, we were in complete silence. I was lost in thought and I knew she probably was to. I kept saying this can’t be happening, why Aly? What is going to happen to our unborn baby? I knew that the minute the doctor said that she had Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia that she had wanted to break down and start crying. But she sat there staring out the window lost in her thoughts just as I was.
We got home to find messages on our answering machine asking about her and what happened. I couldn’t have dared to pick up the phone and call Brian and Aly’s dad to tell them the news we have received. Immediately after we came home Aly got in the shower. And I knew that she would deal with her emotions there because she didn’t want me to see her in that condition.
Almost 45 minutes later she was still in the shower. As I made my way to the bathroom I could hear her cries from down the hall. When I gently knocked on the door I could hear the water turn off. She opened the door and I could see her red puffy eyes get swollen. She fell into my arms as I could feel the sobbing get worse. I hugged her thinking of what going to happen next. I mean were we going to lose our unborn baby or am I going to lose Aly once and for all.
~Stealing the fire from your eyes~
Soon after Aly was diagnosed with Leukemia, life seemed to be put on hold. I guess we were still realizing that this is really happening. It is not going to be waking up one day and excepting the fact the she has cancer. It’s just not that easy.
The couple of days after Aly was diagnosed we both were very depressed. On the third day after her doctor’s appointment, Aly and I woke up worried knowing what the day would bring. And as rubbed my eyes to see, I saw her swollen eyes look into mine. I leaned over and gave her a kiss; she mumbled good morning and we both got up. This day in particular was different from the past two; today Aly was to be scheduled to deliver our baby. The doctors wanted her to have to baby before she started the chemo-therapy for the Leukemia.
As we made our way to the hospital, we both were speechless as we were all that morning. I was extremely nervous for Aly and the baby. Two very important lives were hanging in the balance. When we arrived everything went very fast. Aly was induced for labor and then shortly after that was given an epidural. For the next 4 hours she slowly progressed until finally Abigail Grace was born at 5lb. 4 oz. Immediately after she was born she was taken away, by a team of doctors, to get checked out. Aly and I were overwhelmed to see that our miracle of life was okay and that she survived, but they both were not out of the woods yet.
Three days after Abigail was born Aly was released from the hospital. Abigail was being treated for undeveloped lungs, not being able to eat right, and she had to have open heart surgery for a hole in her heart. Aly and I were both sad to see our daughter not come home with us on the third day, but we knew that one day our wish would come true.
~Let the war begin…~
Aly and I were lying on the couch one evening thinking about our past and where we are now. Our lives were very different only 2 and 3 years ago then it is now. It seems as if we are living a completely different life then we did. There has been one memory of us that has stood out the most since Aly was diagnosed. And it keeps replaying like a broken record in my mind and it doesn’t stop. I know Aly is thinking about the same thing. As our minds venture back almost five years in our history together; our record starts playing once again.
It was about five years ago when I was out of college working and Aly was finishing up her internship for a job in Austin. We had met each other 6 months before and we were honestly just good friends; meaning no dates, no kisses, just friends. Aly’s mom had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer ever since I met her. That was one of the many reasons we did not date at first when we met; Aly took her mother’s illness very serious.
Fast-forward a year and a half later and Aly and I were now dating and her mom’s breast cancer had gotten worse. One particular morning I remember on a rainy Friday in May.
I awoke to my phone vibrating and ringing on my nightstand. In a blur I made out the name Aly and answered it. She was crying and I could hardly understand her. But the one of the few phrases I got out of the conversation was: My mom died. Since I could hardly make out what she was saying, I asked her again what she said. She once again said the same thing. I was not surprised by the news but the timing definitely was not expected. The other phrase I got out of the conversation was: I need to see you now. Still in a sleepy phase, I mumbled how far away are you? She said 2 minutes from your house. I quickly answered just come here.
Within a minute I heard a desperate knock at the door. I threw some clothes on, grabbed a blanket, and answered the door. I opened it to find Aly’s swollen eyes, red, and wet from crying. Without even saying anything she put her arms around me and sobbed into my shoulder. I wrapped the blanket around us as we stood there in the rain. She mumbled I needed somebody who wouldn’t cry with me. I answered that I will be there for you and I kissed her on the forehead.
From then on for the next three days, she stayed at my house and began trying to heal. And now as I look back I think it was better for her to be with somebody that wasn’t crying with her. She seemed very content and I am sure that was the probably the best for her.
Every night we would lie on the couch, and normally she would cry into my chest or gently weep. And every so often she would call her sister Laura and talk to her for hours. Other times we would fall asleep on the couch and in the morning I would always find her crying. From then on she was never afraid to neither cry in front of me nor show her emotions.
Those three days were probably the best in my life; not only did I fall deeper in love, but they also taught me more about life and how very precious our time is here. Each day brought new obstacles to face and new challenges to endure. In the three days we were both very quiet and deep in our thoughts. At the end of the three days my life was forever changed and I knew Aly’s was too.
~Welcome Home~
One day, the doctors told us we would be finally allowed to take Abigail home. They told us that they had to perform tests throughout the day before they released her to us that night.
I took a half day at work and didn’t tell Aly because I wanted to surprise her. I called her periodically throughout the day reminding her just how excited we would be when we would bring her home.
A little after three o’clock, I went to the hospital to pick up my daughter. The doctor’s said that all of her tests came out good and she was healthy. The word I have been so longing to hear. As I walked out of the Intensive Care Unit all of the nurses who had took care of her throughout her recovery, were there to say there goodbyes and to congratulate us.
When we got home I fed her and we slept the rest of the afternoon. Six o’clock rolled around and we were expecting Aly any time. I had called her and told her that we would eat a quick dinner and then go the hospital. Talking to her made her that much more excited.
I could hear the garage door open and set Abigail down in her crib. When the door opened Aly fell into my arms. After I kissed her, I said out of pure excitement,
“I have a present for you!”
She smiled, as I told her to close her eyes while I went to retrieve her “gift”. I picked up Abigail, who was still sleeping, and cradled her in my arms. I walked out to where Aly was and told her to open her eyes. And as soon as she did, I will never forget her expression as long as I live. She smiled so big and burst out into tears. I said
“She’s home now”
Aly looked at me and then at Abigail and then questioned, “I thought we couldn’t pick her up until tonight. I mean how did you do it?”
“The doctors finished her tests early, and I thought I would surprise you.” I answered
She smiled and kissed me. I gave Abigail to Aly who was shaking, because she was so weak. Aly spoke softly to her and kissed her on the head.
That night as we lay in bed, my life couldn’t have felt more complete. I had both of my beautiful girls with me and that is all I needed.
~”Life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride”~
I can’t explain to someone what it’s like to see somebody in tremendous pain and knowing there is nothing you can do. The feeling of helplessness overwhelms you and puts enormous amounts of stress on you. Aly would have weekly chemotherapy treatments to fight the Leukemia. Day after day seeing my wife in so much pain left me thinking why did this happen to me?
I was to be there for and with Aly while she endured day after day of treatment. She seemed to be declining more and more each day. I would often find her crying over the smallest things and I knew just as well as she did that it was going to a long road to recovery. And to see her fragile body endure treatment was harder with every new day. As much as I knew that there might not be a next year or next month I still held out hope for Aly’s sake. But even at times I was doubtful on whether I would see her tomorrow. I have learned that the more you are longing for somebody to get better, doesn’t change the process, it just seems to lengthen it.
In your life, when something tragic happens, you tend to go through these stages. And it not only changes your reactions but also you emotions and feelings toward other people.
Normally the first stage in this process is Doubt. Doubt of whether this is all happening and why did it happen to you. This stage isn’t one that can last for a week or a day. Sometimes it will extend into 2-3 months or 2-3 weeks, it all depends on how you deal with your emotions. I mean I guess we never realize that life’s not that fairytale we imagined as kids. Life is real, living, breathing, reality. When you are a little kid you imagine this perfect life ahead of you with no problems or troubles that would stop you. You dream, growing up and marrying the person that is perfect for you, not even thinking that someone would come and stop you. Nowhere in fairytales does it say that before you live happily ever after you may have to ender pain, sadness, suffering. Your seeming perfect life will crumble when something tragic happens. This punishment you feel was given to you for something you did or some secret you’ve been hiding. But all in all, it’s not a punishment, it is just called life and everybody is living it.
Sometimes the next step in the process is questioning. Why did this happen? Why me? You will ask this series of questions to yourself. And you’ll wonder why this even happened and why are you in this position. It’s almost a dizzy feeling that overwhelms you, being filled with never ending questions that sometimes you and nobody else can answer. And the questions that you can’t answer will linger around your head until you pay attention to it and stress out over it. I, being through this situation, can tell from experience that you will be filled with unanswered questions each and every day.
Many times one of the last stages in this process is a feeling, that just won’t go away. You feel like something is wrong and know what it is, but you don’t believe it or refuse to believe it. Alive you are, but that feeling just won’t go away. You feel as if you were in a dream and that when you “wake up,” so to speak, everything will be normal and this never happened. And when you finally pinch yourself and realize that this is real you will have to face your problems head on. There’s no turning back from here. And the days will go by and the feeling inside you, will not go away. You will not sleep and/or you will not be able to concentrate on the simplest things. And after all you’ve been through; your life will still be the same. Time will not roll back and no you don’t have the power to do so. For sometimes, your weary feeling will just hang around like a lonely ghost looking for somebody to haunt.
~Epilogue~
The past five years not only changed me as a person but it also changed the way I think, act, and live. They say everything happens for a reason, for me that reason is not so clear. I might never know what caused this, but I do know that I learned from this experience in one way or another. Aly survived what seemed impossible for such a long time. Now it’s just a miracle in itself.
Laura and Brian are now expecting their first child after many complications. Abigail is now two years old and is healthy as ever. And Aly has been amazing, she has beaten the odds and is free of cancer.
What Aly survived not only surprised doctors but gave her, along with me, a different perspective on life and death. You can’t be scared of death because yes it will happen to all of us one day or another. It’s just a matter of time until it happens, and our time here on earth is valuable, so let’s not waste it. This experience not only gave me that insight on how precious our time is here, but it told me that I shouldn’t be afraid to die. I once read this poem, somebody emailed me and I have never forgotten it; this is a life-changing piece of work and I want everybody to learn from it.
“The next time you here somebody talk about a loved one they lost don’t just ignore them. Comfort them for we will all be in that position one day because we live a human life. For some people they memorized this poem because they lived through this and for others the signs are just coming. I have survived and you can to. Read ahead and have peace. I know I have.
Expressing in general is what you feel. The name foreshadowing in the back of your head, her name on your old tennis shoe written over and over filled until it bled through. You realize she has always loved you more now than ever.”
I Love You, the three hardest words to say in the English language. Say them everyday for one of them might be your last.
One day, one night, you, like me, will have one of those messy October nights. It’s just a matter of time before it comes.

While the Stars Dance Above

While the Stars Dance Above
By: Emma Frye

the stars shine bright
against the moon
as I put my pen to paper
my thoughts pour out
like running water
all while the stars dance above

everything comes into view
like it was yesterday
when the clouds sang
and we felt so alive
all while the stars dance above

a never ending thrill ride
of emotions overwhelms me
as the voice in my head grows louder
louder…louder
until my pen screams the scribbles
i’ve been longing to say
all while the stars dance above

we lay close to each other, speechless
no words need to be said
we are held together
by the warmth between our fingers
all while the stars dance above

his fingers brush my skin
and it feels like
the warmth of a sunrise on my skin
for the first time
all while the stars dance above

i’m wrapped up in emotions
like laces on a shoe
and I feel the love rising
as it seeps into my hands
all while the stars dance above

our hands lock
the climax we’ve been waiting for
nothing can stop this feeling
nothing can separate us
all while the stars dance above

until our dreams are interrupted
by a unexplainable reality
all while the stars danced above

happy is a yuppie word

I LOVE songwriters!
No matter who you are, as long as you are a songwriter you are a considered a hero on my list. The reason why I say this is because music is life. It is living. We breathe, sleep, and eat music. (Yes we do eat music; we just don't realize it ;)

There are so many songs that have been written. Over 1 billion, to take a wild guess. When you turn on the radio or you listen to a cd, everyone of those songs were written by actual people experiencing actual things. It is not made up. Songs are like storys put to music.

There are thousands of songwriters out there. Tons and tons of people who have the amazing capability to write songs.

My absolute favorite songwriter is Jon Foreman (of Switchfoot). I love him! I love him work and what he does. I could listen to Switchfoot songs all day. (which is actually what i do. hehe) I think everything that he writes is very straight forward and you can relate too. I could take any one of his songs and say either yeah i have been there or yeah I know somebody who has been there.

Like I said before I listen to Switchfoot everyday, all day. It is my current addiction/kick. if you will. Now I have had many "kicks" in the past, in music at least such as: Chris Tomlin, David Crowder*Band, just to name a few. And from these kicks I get inspiration to write. Like for example I wrote October Night while on a Chris Tomlin "kick". Hint Hint that is where the inspiration came for Chris in the story.
But my Switchfoot addiction/kick is different. It is actually lasting longer than I thought it would. Which is awesome!

Here is my current list of Switchfoot songs I am listening to. ( the *** ones are ones to listen to)
Faust, Fidas, And Myself***
Yesterdays********
Amatuer Lovers***
Head Over Heals (in this life)***
Burn Out Bright
Let Your Love Be Strong

My favorite song of all time written by Jon Foreman is Yesterdays. It is a very very sad song. It is mostly talking about a lost he or someone has experienced and how at the end of the song they learn to move on with life. It is a REALLY REALLY GOOD song.
I highly suggest listening to it.