Dug up from the Emma Writes Folder

So...yeah I have this folder on my desktop called Emma Writes. And everything I write or have written goes in this folder. There's stuff from 2006 to a week ago...so it varies. Currently I have 3 stories, a bunch of poems, some journals, and a aim conversation. Well anyway today I was looking through it today and came across something. The best way to describe it is...the past 2 years. And yes it is a different side of Emma but for those of you who haven't read it...it will be a adventure.



This blog has no intention of making you feel bad for me or what happened to me. I needed to do this as a person; i need to share my story. People need to know that help is there for you. And this is why i write.

8/18/2007
I have recently come to a point in my life where I understand a lot more than I ever have. Everything is almost fitting like a puzzle that has never been solved. Each event and each action i made was for a reason. I now understand what it means to have every moment count. You never know what day can be your last. You never know when you will last see that person again.
You just never know.
If you know me as a person, can you or can you not see the change? I know I see it. I see the change.
It is no physical change but is a emotional one, one that has been dealt with inside me over the past year and a half or so. Some of you know exactly what i am saying, others do not. To fully understand you need to know what happened and every last bit of it. So here it is.....

On April 6th, 2006 something so big happened that it changed my life and others forever. I had no idea that this was coming.
On this day Gail Willims otherwise known as “Nannie” was diagnosed with cancer from a unknown primary. The doctors had no idea where this had come from and had no idea what the prognosis was. That day was one of the worst days of my life. Everything in my life came to an abrupt halt. Everything stopped in place……nothing moved.

The next days to come were only the ones that seemed the most confusing. Nothing seemed to be making sense. I couldn’t understand that this was actually happening. I just couldn’t comprehend the idea.

I try to remember these days and all that comes up is: Spring Break, spending time with my “Nannie”, having fun. Not realizing what was actually happening inside of her. It was almost as if I was in this dream that I never could get out of. I was in the fantasy land where all was good. Nothing bad was to ever happen.
But it was happening….

Throughout the rest of April and all of May she progressively got worse. She tried her best never to show me that she was hurting inside. She would hide her tears the best she knew how. I never knew that she was slowly dying right before my very eyes.

I tired to live a normal life throughout this. I went to school everyday, I attended church every weekend, I did what a normal 12 year old girl would do.

I have very few memories of this time, but there is one that is very prominent. One that sticks out the most.
It was on May 2nd, 2006 at an event called Slyngshot; one that my youth group held every first Tuesday of the month. This event gathered everyone who was in the grades of 6-8th to come out play some fun games, listen to great music, and get a great message. I had a great time at this Slyngshot in particular and had no worry or care about what was going on in another part of my life. After Slyngshot was over I felt the urge to talk to somebody. I felt the need to tell someone what I was facing and hoping maybe they could help me in dealing with this difficult situation. The first person that came to mind was our youth pastor, Ted. I went up to him explained what I was going through and he asked to pray with me. While he was praying, I felt something come over me. Something hit me. It felt like God was almost speaking directly to me. He seemed to be saying that it would be alright and that I will make it. From then on I felt a better understanding of what was happening.

But just as I was getting a better understanding of what was actually happening, my “Nannie” was getting worse and worse. It came to the point where she was put in a place called Hospice on June 21st, 2006 just three months after she had been diagnosed with cancer from a unknown primary. This place is designed for people who are in there last few months of life. To my understanding her lifespan was not very long. And it was up to her family to spend as much time with her as possible.

My “Nannie’s” sister and son came in town with there husbands and wives along with there children to visit her in her which made my house crowded as well as my thoughts.

I tried to keep my mind off her sickness as much as possible. I kept myself busy swimming during the week and going to church on the weekends. Between visiting my “Nannie” in Hospice and swimming, my summer was very much consumed.

Then on July 2nd, 2006 tragedy hit again for me on one Sunday morning. This is an excerpt from my journal of what exactly happened:

“Many times when I look back I see the day that I learned Ted was fired, I came in on the right side of the modular, normally where the girls hang out and where Ted would pray w/ us before we broke into small groups. Abby and Jessi were sitting on top of the couch on the back side of the room. Right away I realized Ted was not in the room (I thought he was in the next room); but otherwise everything seemed normal. Then I saw Abby’s face. She seemed sad and had a depressed look on her face. When I stepped on the couch and sat down; Abby leaned into mean and said “Did you hear what happened?” I replied no. The next 3 words she said would soon change my life forever. Abby whispered “Ted was fired.” I looked immediately at her in disbelief and asked her again what she said. Again she replied the same answer. No one knew about this except for Abby, Jessi, and now me. I started staring at the ground and about a million things were going through my mind. The first thing that came to mind was Why me? Why Ted? Why Eastside? Then Casey’s mom came in: I would soon find out she was the one who fired Ted. There were 22 students in the room plus Shaun, Brian, someone else, and Casey’s mom. She stood about in the middle of the room and said as some of you know we lost someone to the church community; last weekend as many of you know Ted Miller was fired. As soon as she said that the room fell deathly silent. No one said anything. In the complete daze I was in I don’t remember much after that. I felt many mixed emotions: sad, depressed, mad, and angered. I remember sitting on that couch and looking around the room and seeing everybody doing the same thing I was: stare in awe. Then I saw Shaun. I looked into his eyes and saw the sadness. And he too was staring at the ground. From that moment I knew that this was real and that my life would be forever changed. Just seeing him experience the same thing we were was powerful.”

I was completely devastated.
From then on I didn’t know what to think.
Should I be mad at God? Should I be sad?
I couldn’t understand why God was doing this to me. I felt very confused and mad. I felt angered and saddened. Nothing seemed to make sense.

Before I had time to pick up all the pieces I was to go on the Church’s Lake Trip that was coming up the following weekend. This weekend was supposed to be fun and was supposed to be a getaway for the weekend. But all that seemed to haunt my mind was why did Ted get fired and why is Nannie so sick? I could not seem to have an answer to any of these questions. They seemed to be just floating around in my mind.

The following weekend after the Lake Trip tragedy stuck once again. Our youth group learned that Shaun, one of our youth leaders was leaving as well. Everybody was crying and everybody was absolutely devastated.

In the weeks to come I tried to recollect myself and concentrate on swimming. I tried to keep myself busy and not try to think about what was going on else ware.

Then on July 10th, I was to visit my “Nannie”. This is an excerpt from my journal:
7/10
“We went to see Nannie tonight because she was going to Florida tomorrow. And tonight I finally broke down and cried. I realized that I might not see her tomorrow and that she is not going to make it up to Cincinnati for my birthday. This makes me very sad. This is the time that I need someone else outside of my family to talk to. This is the time I need Ted”
Little did I know that was the last time I would ever see her alive.

Then on July 18th, 2006 my “Nannie” died.
She was gone.
She was in heaven.
She was where she wanted to be.
And for me to except that would only be the beginning of a long road ahead.

My recovery from these tragedies was writing. It was my getaway and was were I could let out my emotions on paper. Here are some of the entries leading up through July 2007.

9/4/06
“My summer has sucked to say the least. I mean Ted and Shaun left. Nannie died. I just haven’t had the best summer. It is almost like I don’t want to live. The Summer of 2006 has been the worst of my life.
Tonight we had our first Slyngshot since May when Ted and Shaun were still there. It was okay. We did the first game on our first Slyngshot last year which was shooting water balloons off the roof of the church. We had Nathan who is the High School pastor, preach to us tonight. He was cool but not nearly as cool as Ted. I just wish it was May again when Ted and Shaun were there and Nannie was still alive. I was actually enjoying my life and having fun. And I still wish I was if I had all of this back.
Ted & Shaun will be missed and loved by everyone who knew them”

9/27/06
“The more I think about Ted and Shaun leaving the more I miss them. Ashley and I were talking the other day. We were basically saying that we don’t want another youth pastor and we want them back. This is all we want because it has taken us a lot of time to get here and be satisfied with the fact that they are not coming back. It has been so much harder than I thought to get through it. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about them. I almost think forgetting them will make it better but it just doesn’t go away. They were the best people I have known.”

1/7/07
“Sometimes I think life is unusual. It gives you unexpected twists and turns. Your life could end at any given moment. I mean Nannie died, Ted and Shaun left. They left in a matter of days, weeks. Last year at this time Nannie was alive and well. Now only a year later she is not here. That shocks me as it is. Not a lot of times do people realize that in a matter of seconds you life could change dramatically.
I think I have had my fair share of bad luck and I think I don’t need any more. This experience has changed my as a person and a human.”


1/13…….life is a confusing mess
“My life seems very confusing right now. I don’t know what to do. It seems like every time I go 2 Slyngshot God tries to throw this curve ball at me meaning that he tries to show me something I don’t want 2 face. This months’ Slyngshot was sometimes God doesn’t answer you for a reason + you still have not found it yet. That’s surely true in my case. I know that Ted + Shaun probably will not come back but I still can’t believe it yet. It just seems so confusing. This is a time in my life that I am just truly lost 4 words + I am just taking things as they come trying to dodge the bad (if I even know what that is anymore.) I mean I seem probably so happy on the outside but on the inside I’m being torn like a piece of paper. We don’t have a youth pastor. My life used to be so good + so joyous. Now I am always thinking oh be careful you might see this person anymore. I feel scared like I can’t just live life how it should be lived.”

2/17………….life has changed for the good? For the worst?
“My life has drastically changed. I feel like I am stuck in this giant mud pit + I can’t get out no matter how hard I try.
2-nite at church, Jonathan had this amazing + inspiring message. We are in this series called the Three Hardest Words in the English language. Those 3 words are: I Love You. He was saying that in the bible you are supposed to love everybody as your neighbor. Meaning love everybody not matter what. He also talked about loneliness + how someone in this very room could have this feeling.
I feel like I can’t trust god anymore. I feel like he hurt me + scarred me so much that I can’t heal + just enjoy life + love god. I mean I have great friends + great people surrounding me but I feel like something is missing. Not fitting the puzzle. I really don’t want 2 talk 2 my parents ‘cause they will just say everything is alright when it is really not. I can’t write or explain to one single person this feeling inside of me. I love god w/ all of my heart but I feel like what Jonathan says a person who comes on Sunday + forgets about it the rest of the week. Going just to say that I did and just to prove to god that they went to church. But I don’t want that I want it 2 last, the whole week but it doesn’t. It just stops from my mind; goes away sometimes as if it was never there. Yes, of course I want help w/ this problem but half of my problem is about Nannie + the other help is about the ones I lost. So it feels awkward if I talk to them. (Counselor) My mom said originally after Nannie died that I could to talk to a grief counselor. But for 1: I don’t feel comfortable talking to somebody I hardly know. 2: I did not think it would effect me this much 2 the extent of this. My solution 2 this is to talk to somebody I know better. I was thinking Jonathan because he knew Nannie personally + plus he kind of worked w/ Ted…..eventually probably knew Shaun. I feel like I can open up to him + share these entries w/ him. Showing him my feelings + opening up my world to him. If I could just do that maybe some of this stress could be lifted off of my shoulders.
The one final thing that makes this important to me is that I look at life from a different perspective. And I want to share w/ somebody that. And more importantly I want to open up this way of life I am living + get help w/ it. I need help.”

2/20/07
“I feel like I am trying to find my place in this world. I am lost for words. Sometimes I think someone is walking in my shoes and I am just watching as my life flies.”

2/27…….I am just hurting
“They say that until something truly tragic happens you don’t know how it feels. I know I agree w/ that more than ever. Death changes you inside + out. It changes the way you think + act. I view life so differently now than I did a year ago. I used to always think the big picture + not concentrate on the smaller more important things in life. Now I just take one day at a time + let time go by slowly. (Not watch it before my eyes) I don’t know any easier way to explain the hurting + scarring you face. It is so indescribable. It’s not like I can turn back time + wish for things better. Just gotta take it as it comes……wish for the best. I don’t think about what’s happening in 2 months or 2 years. I focus on this month, this day, this hour, this minute. It’s not easy. The hurting + the scars left have not gone away. They just hang around like lonely ghosts looking for somebody to hurt. I just want these wounds to heal + this scarring to go away. I hurt to bad to bear. I don’t want to live w/ this pain anymore. I just can’t stop thinking of them. They haunt me everyday + I can’t not think of them. That’s just the way I live now……..hurt + scarred.”

2/28………..Long Process (Long Trip Alone)
“It’s hard to believe that is has been 8 months since my life turned upside down. 8 long dragging + grueling months. This seeming never ending process of just trying to heal these deep wounds. It just doesn’t leave my mind. It occupies my everyday life. It is not just like I can forget about it. They were the 3 most important people in my life. That mean month of July has so deeply scared me + is still to this day hurting me. I don’t feel the same; I feel so different.
I always remember trying to keep a diary. I never could do it. I did not have enough patience to sit down + just write about life. Now I feel like I have more than enough to write about.
Now that I look back on the past few years. I realize that my “bad luck” + my faith was going to be tested. In 5th grade one of best friends Ashley Evers moved away about half way through the year. That just devastated me. I thought I would never ever be able to trust anybody again. Then I met Margaret and then Katie and now they are two of my best friends. Then just last July life paused, stopped, ended for that split second. This is not just your best friend moving away this is death + the loss of someone dear to me. It’s just not easy anymore.
I never thought ever that Nannie would get sick let alone die w/in 4 months. She was always walking and active. And always laughing and loving. She was always very healthy. Then April 6, 2006 came the news I very much never thought I would ever hear and much dreaded. I always thought Oh it will go away. Not even thinking it would result in this. I think some of these deep wounds are caused by the unknowing of what was going to happen. I always felt not scared but worried because I would look at her + say she will be fine. But the as I looked into her eyes I could see the pain + suffering she was enduring which made the fear of death for her more vivid than ever. Not now I thought when she died. She was too young; I was too young to be going through this. It left these unstitched wounds + scars unable to repair.
Last Sunday really made me think about this. Jonathan talked about how people are scarred + wounded + how you can be healed. Sometimes I just look at him as if he was reading my mind. I think how did you just pull that thought out of my head.
I feel like maybe I can be stitched up but just slowly + carefully to not make any careless mistakes along the way on this long road of healing.”

3/9/07
“Poem in memory of Ted & Shaun:
July 2nd, 2006
It is etched, scarred, permanent
In our lonely minds
The hardest words said to us
Were the ones that hurt the most

22 clueless students filled that small room
Not knowing that this would
Change there life forever

When the words were said
Everybody sat silent and stared
At the ground in disbelief
When I looked up from my gaze
I saw 21 other faces staring
At the ground
It seemed as if somebody
Pinched us we would wake up
From the bad dream
This horrible nightmare
That we feared

As my almost tear-filled eyes
Wondered around the room
I met Shaun’s stare,
He was sitting
On the end of a coffee table
When I looked into his eyes
I saw sadness
From that moment on
I knew this wasn’t a dream
This was a living disaster

From that day forward
I knew none of our lives would be the same
To this day we are still staring
In disbelief
Just as we did on a horrible
July morning
Almost 1 year ago”

3/14/07
“Loneliness I think is just a figure of speech. It gives you the feeling of empty and abandon almost. I think sometimes if I’m doing the right thing, I wonder is this what God wants me to do? If so why does it have to so lonely? Why does life do this to you? Life shouldn’t be like this. Maybe God is trying to tell me something I’m ignoring. But what is it? Just what is it?”

3/26/07
“This past weekend at Church we talked about ignoring the hurt. Jamie who talked to us at Slyngshot in October was there talking again except now to the whole church. He talked about depression and hurting. I felt like between him and Jonathan they spoke directly to me.
My mind is an overflowing mess right now. I mean this feeling I can’t describe lumes around me and is not going away. It’s not just sadness because of past events. It’s everything. I sometimes just think that one of these days that the people I trust the most won’t be there. It feels like God hasn’t been there for me. He’s missing out. And I feel he hasn’t been there when I needed him the most. I feel like I have no where to go.
I am lost.
I am tired.
I am stuck.
I am stressed.
I am lonely.”

4/2
“In July when Nannie died and Ted and Shaun left it didn’t exactly hit me until months later. I felt like I was living and breathing. But there was this really weird feeling that wouldn’t go away. I never cried until later. It just never sank in until later that they were gone. It felt like that I was in this ‘bad dream’ and that I wouldn’t ‘wake-up’. Every holiday from then on out including my birthday felt like something was missing. And I knew what I was.”

Now after almost a year later I now realize why everything happened. I now know that everything as a reason. Nothing goes unseen by God. With all that I have been through I now live with my hand on my heart thanking each and everyday that I am here alive.

Bleeding Stars

the sky glows
shining blue, orange, then pink
with each shad
it softens
like a box of crayons
until it is completely
black

the stars shimmer
against the moonlight
each one telling a story
of hope
hurt
love

the soul bleeds
into the star
like a dripping facet
drip…drip…drip
until it
glistens

the star shines
bright against the sky
it shadows filled with
hope and pride
telling the world
I
Am
Not
Afraid

the star hides
ashamed
of its shadows
filled with
loneliness
exposing raw emotions
like crying children
telling the world
I
Am
Afraid

the sky glows
with white snow
representing images
filled with anxiety
today is a new day
and there are choices
to be made

How bright is you star today?